If you've been poly for a while, you know exactly what questions often come up when you introduce yourself as polyamorous to someone that has never encountered it before. Some of these questions may seem rude but are often out of genuine curiosity (though, sometimes, people are just plain rude). It is entirely up to you whether you feel comfortable answering questions or educating people on polyamory, but it can be helpful to keep a few answers in reserve for when people ask. Here are some longer answers, with shorter soundbites that may be easier to remember to use as answers.

Polyamory? You mean polygamy, right?

The root words of Polyamory mean "many loves," which originally meant multiple romantic relationships. while Polygamy means "many marriages" and is usually negatively associated with oppression, religious indoctrination, and misogyny. Polygamy is a term that has been associated with certain religious groups that also tend to treat women as property. Technically, the form of polygamy most people are familiar with is polygyny, which specifically refers to one man being married to multiple women. Polyamory, however, is far more about being able to make many kinds of connections with multiple people, and more importantly, there is no double standard or rule stating that only men can have multiple partners.

Isn't that cheating?

Polyamory is a form of ethical non-monogamy, where people can fall in love and/or have sex with multiple people as long as everyone is aware and agrees to it. Cheating is, at its core, the breaking of a relationship's agreement. People assume that cheating means "Having sex with another person" because the default, monogamy, has an assumed relationship agreement to not have sex with other people. It is also worth pointing out that even monogamous couples have different definitions of that agreement. Some couples believe that watching pornography or masturbating is cheating, while other couples believe that it's okay to make out with someone else as long as clothes stay on, or anywhere in between. All of those agreements could be considered monogamous still, and not cheating. As stated above, the key part of polyamory is that everyone involved knows the relationship agreement, and consents to be a part of it. Open communication and honesty are key in this. If anyone has a "dirty little secret" then they are, in fact, cheating. It is possible to cheat in polyamory by breaking the relationship's agreement, but the agreement is very different than that in a monogamous relationship. Polyamorous agreements can range on a huge scale as well, from closed triads (three people dating each other but no one else) to being able to date as many people as you have time for.

Oh, okay. Is it swinging, then?

Swinging is also a form of ethical non-monogamy, but it is also very different. Swinging generally involves at least one married or otherwise committed couple, looking for no-strings-attached sex, and often explicitly forbidding other romantic feelings outside of that central relationship. There are overlaps, and many people that identify as polyamorous practice swinging while many people that identify as swingers have agreements that look a lot like the definition of polyamory. That said, many polyamorous people tend to dislike comparisons to swinging, as there are some residual toxic attitudes and practices that are associated with swinging (such as unicorn hunting, misogyny, biphobia towards bi men, transphobia, and others), even if not all swingers are a part of that.

Well, isn't it all about sex?

Not exactly. In fact, not all polyamorous people have sex at all! Granted, that is not the majority, but in any case, for most people the primary focus of polyamory is in expressing love, whether that involves sex or not. A majority of polyamorous people do have sex with multiple people, however. After all, a majority of monogamous people also express love through sex as well. Some polyamorous people will have (non-legally binding) commitment ceremonies or handfastings with more than one person, and live as a family of three or more partners. Others will live apart but still remain emotionally and/or sexually intimate. Still others will have a primary or anchor partner that they live with, while still having other partners that live apart. There are many configurations and living arrangements. The common thread in polyamorous relationships, however, is that the focus is not just on "fuckbuddies" or "friends with benefits" (though some poly people have those as well!) but rather on being able to build that emotional connection. That's why the word "polyamorous" is used, meaning "many loves" - not "many fucks"

Are you afraid of commitment?/Are you no longer committed to each other?

How could I be afraid of commitment when I’m committed to more than one relationship at a time?

What people seem to be asking when they say this is more along the lines of “Commitment requires monogamy. You’re not monogamous, therefore you can’t possibly commit.”

I hate to use a cliche, but the first dictionary definition of commitment is, “A promise to do or give something.” For me, that doesn’t mean commitment to monogamy, but rather a commitment to keeping my relationships healthy and keeping communication open and honest. I am not giving my sexual exclusivity, I am giving the person and relationship the time and energy it wants and needs, and I am open to negotiating that as people and needs change. That’s the promise I make, and I’m very committed to it.

Relationships still end in polyamory, but that’s not always a bad thing. Sometimes people grow in different directions and are no longer compatible. If those people stop having a romantic relationship, that doesn’t necessarily mean they are no longer committed. In fact, it may be a demonstration of their commitment to each other that they are letting the relationship evolve or to have some distance, if that’s the healthy option. The same would be true for monogamous people, though societal expectations make that harder to learn.

Isn’t [a particular] partner enough?

Many people ask this question as though it’s a trick question, a way to make me admit that I don’t love any particular partner. They’re surprised when I answer no, my partner is not enough.

Even when monogamous, a healthy relationship requires that your partner not be your everything. You should have friends, interests, and hobbies outside of your partner and what you do with them. Any partner that insists that you should have no other friends or interests? That is one of the biggest red flags that they’re isolating and abusive.

The only difference between polyamory and monogamy (on this particular topic) is that the categories of romance and sex are also open for you to experience with other people.

If you’re asking specifically about sex – which is usually where this question goes – well, that’s really not the point at all, but the answer is still no. I can’t get everything I want with them and they can’t with me. No one is perfectly matched that way. Everyone has unique kinks and/or interests, and they may enjoy something I am indifferent to or actively hate.

So no, my partner is not “enough” in my life. And I know I’m not “enough” for them either.

Besides, it’s not even about whether someone is enough for me or not. It’s about my capacity to love. It’s not about what I can get, it’s about what I can give. It’s about me, not about them. I would be polyamorous whether I have one partner or five. Love is unlimited (though time is very limited).

Don't you get jealous?

Yes, of course. Sometimes a lot.

That may not have been the answer you expected. People assume that in order to practice polyamory, you have to be immune to jealousy or insecurity, so that you don’t feel those icky feelings that are associated with seeing your partner attracted to someone else. The fact is, jealousy is an emotion like any other, and you can’t really control when you feel it. The only things you can control are your exposure to its triggers and your actions when you do feel it. You can also practice unlearning the associations with jealousy so that you do feel it less over time.

It’s also important to remember that the things you feel jealousy or insecurity over aren’t necessarily the same things that other people do, or even your partner(s). It’s not uncommon for one person to be fine with their partner having other sexual partners, but feel jealousy if romantic feelings develop, while their partner may be the exact opposite. Identifying your jealousy hot buttons is the first step towards healthier interactions.

I could never be polyamorous.

Cool! I’m glad you know yourself well enough to know that monogamy is the right choice for you.

I’ll never evangelize polyamory as something everyone should do, and I don’t think it’s better (or worse) than monogamy. It’s just different. Most polyamorous people would agree. Everyone should choose the relationship type that’s best for them, and the more people that are educated on their options, the better. Even if you learn about polyamory and decide you still want the monogamous white-picket-fence life, that’s fantastic! you’ve made an educated choice for yourself.